Well, when two become one; they become one. Most men think this oneness is sexually but in actuality it is a oneness of heart/spirit, body and mind. Often, not having sex is a surface problem coming from the root problem of a broken heart/spirit and mind.
A woman’s physical being will be effected by what is going on in her spirit. At first, she may fake it and try to keep up with the appearances that all is just fine. Eventually, the decision is made to either fight or quit.
Women have been taught to lie. That lie is: when things are bad between them she needs to keep quiet, support her husband, and to pray for him. She is told that those things will take care of the problem. She does these and years later, very often, when the prayers are not answered (because he is still not portraying Christ to her) and she is exhausted, torn up and worn out; she gives up. And, too many times we even see her turn away from God.
We teach that a woman needs to trust her emotions. If things seem unsuccessful; things are unsuccessful. If you are feeling defeated; things are probably defeating. Her heart is a reflection of the state of where they are in their marriage and his failure to lead them towards following Christ.
Well, what is a wife to do if her husband refuses to listen to her heart? She could write him letters. This helps to get it off her heart and onto paper. (Not to confuse you, we are not saying it “disappears” from your heart…it is just a good way to find some release.) It is also a safe way to share her feelings, thoughts and hurts with her husband. Perhaps she can actually give these letters to her husband if she feels safe. Until that time when she can feel safe enough to actually speak with him, she can continue to write letters on a regular basis. Years ago, Nancy would write notes to Ken placing them in his lunch box when he went to work. At lunch, when he would read them, he found (since she wasn’t there) he had been left to debate with the Holy Spirit instead of her. That way when he got home, due to his quest to be Christ-like, he was able to discuss it with her from a better place because he had the time to think about it from lunch until he got home.
Another way of finding release from the pressure of feeling useless and unloved is to find a place to invest her time; such as a soup kitchen, nursing home, or other place of benevolence. Investing in other’s lives can be so rewarding. It is a place where one can feel loved and that feels good! Reaching out to others who are hurting can be soothing to your heart.
Sadly these probably will not bring resolution to your marriage; however, it can give you the relief you need to press forward. If you need to just have someone to listen to your heart who will not give you the above mentioned advice that you are the one who can “heal” your relationship; feel free to call Nancy at the office to make an appointment! We are here to support you and pray with you.