Words of Encouragement | Finding Release From A Husband Who Won’t Change

aWhat is a woman to do when her husband will not minister to her spirit? So many times we get asked, “What do I do with my heart in the meantime?”

Well, when two become one; they become one. Most men think this oneness is sexually but in actuality it is a oneness of heart/spirit, body and mind. Often, not having sex is a surface problem coming from the root problem of a broken heart/spirit and mind.

A woman’s physical being will be effected by what is going on in her spirit. At first, she may fake it and try to keep up with the appearances that all is just fine. Eventually, the decision is made to either fight or quit.

Women have been taught to lie. That lie is: when things are bad between them she needs to keep quiet, support her husband, and to pray for him. She is told that those things will take care of the problem. She does these and years later, very often, when the prayers are not answered (because he is still not portraying Christ to her) and she is exhausted, torn up and worn out; she gives up. And, too many times we even see her turn away from God.

We teach that a woman needs to trust her emotions. If things seem unsuccessful; things are unsuccessful. If you are feeling defeated; things are probably defeating. Her heart is a reflection of the state of where they are in their marriage and his failure to lead them towards following Christ.

Well, what is a wife to do if her husband refuses to listen to her heart? She could write him letters. This helps to get it off her heart and onto paper. (Not to confuse you, we are not saying it “disappears” from your heart…it is just a good way to find some release.) It is also a safe way to share her feelings, thoughts and hurts with her husband. Perhaps she can actually give these letters to her husband if she feels safe. Until that time when she can feel safe enough to actually speak with him, she can continue to write letters on a regular basis. Years ago, Nancy would write notes to Ken placing them in his lunch box when he went to work. At lunch, when he would read them, he found (since she wasn’t there) he had been left to debate with the Holy Spirit instead of her. That way when he got home, due to his quest to be Christ-like, he was able to discuss it with her from a better place because he had the time to think about it from lunch until he got home.

Another way of finding release from the pressure of feeling useless and unloved is to find a place to invest her time; such as a soup kitchen, nursing home, or other place of benevolence. Investing in other’s lives can be so rewarding. It is a place where one can feel loved and that feels good! Reaching out to others who are hurting can be soothing to your heart.

Sadly these probably will not bring resolution to your marriage; however, it can give you the relief you need to press forward. If you need to just have someone to listen to your heart who will not give you the above mentioned advice that you are the one who can “heal” your relationship; feel free to call Nancy at the office to make an appointment! We are here to support you and pray with you.


4 thoughts on “Words of Encouragement | Finding Release From A Husband Who Won’t Change

  1. Wendy

    This is where I am in my life. I’ve been fighting for my marriage for quite some time now and there is no change, no improvements, no connection. My heart has been poured out, I have no more to give. I’ve read through almost every blog and so many have touched my heart and yet I don’t have any hope of change apart from a miracle from God. I won’t leave, but He proubably will. My heart hurts for my kids. It is so hard to know what Is needed but have no ability to help someone else see it, when they don’t want to see.

    1. Wendy, most wives who find themselves in this place have suffered in silence! And, either the husband believes everything is fine or that she is impossible to live with. In either case wives are typically silent. Too often they are praying God would wake him up. Never considering that God may want to use their voice as the wake up call. Too many wives have been taught to suffer in silence and in fact lie by acting or saying that everything is fine when they and God know it is not! Let me go waaaaaayyyyy out on a limb and say, “You need to be honest!” But its not unusual that talking to him doesn’t do much good. How about taking your time to write him a letter where you have conscientiously, considerately calculated your words; also citing specific instances where he has failed to care for you as Christ would. So that at least you have been able to express your heart. Having done that don’t be surprised if he defends himself, denies everything, and points his finger at you. And finally don’t expect him to make a 180 degree turn in his behavior because he is convicted. At least God will have had a chance to speak to him through you… God’s designated “Helper”. Hope this helps. GBY, Ken

      1. Wendy

        Yes sir, thank you it does help. Its amazing how the Lord works. I don’t even remember posting a reply to this and today your newsletter came up in my inbox and I clicked on this particular post, again not even remembering reading it in the past. You don’t even know how much that encourages my heart and I believe it is a direct encouragement from the Lord, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing yourself to be used by Him. I have written a several letters to my husband since then and I think today I will do that again. He will be leaving to go out of town so I won’t see him for a few days. Writing the letters does help my heart/spirit, but not usually much progress otherwise. I think he sees me as impossible to live with, which is actually comical considering he’s pretty much gotten everything he’s wanted out of me at one time or another and he is still not happy. I do receive a lot of anger, blame, defensiveness and stonewalling, etc…. I did at one time think I had to suffer in silence otherwise I was not being Christlike, thats what I was told and taught. Now I know the truth and I speak the truth even when it is hard. It has made it rougher because of course he isn’t liking that truth, but I am realizing that for my own soul I have to do that. I still love God with all my heart and I realize now that although I will always be in need of sanctification myself that this issue is not really about me and I can do nothing to make someone else see truth. I now have more specific boundaries in place and I’ve made a decision to refuse to move them anymore. It is making the marriage come to a point where something is going to happen, he is not able to use me like before and that in itself causes issues, but I trust the Lord and I’m to the point that I am done. I have found things in my life that give me a lot of joy, homeschooling my children, serving at church, hosting a Friday night Bible study, spending time with my mom who is my best friend. I have a full and blessed life apart from this relationship. I would like to possibly call Nancy. I see that she will counsel women and I know she would be a big encouragement to me in remaining steadfast, it is hard, it is painful and sometimes it just helps to have someone else who can stand with you. Thanks for the encouragement to do the right thing and tell the truth even when it is hard and painful. God bless!

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